Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Oy gevalt, the terror attack in Mumbai was all we talked about at Shabbat last week.
With a few bottles of Uncle Shlommi's kosher wine from Chile pushing up the angst levels, old Mrs Mendelsohn became quite tearful about India being Israel's biggest customer in the global arms trade, and the way India invited our Mossad to provide intelligence and training to the paramilitary mobs of Hindutva, and keep the country safe from the Achmeds and Mustafas.
And we raised our glasses to the hard work put in by our Bush'le to encourage an arms race between India and Pakistan, making them feel honoured to join the nuclear club and get their chance to wipe one another out, without involving our armies and our gelt.
Auntie Shelomi said she was convinced that the CIA was behind Mumbai, because of Obambi's response right after the attack and his election campaign promises to bomb Pakistan out of existence, coupled with the arrival of US warships in Pakistani waters the moment the shooting began in Mumbai.
"And only the American shmoigers could have done something as stupid as ordering large amounts of LIQUOR and meat for the 'Muslim' terrorists holed up in Chabad House, if the plan was to create support for the coming war against Pakistan!"
"Nu, at least we can be sure that Socialists were not involved," said Mony, who's still feeling fercockt after his altercation with Mikey'le a few weeks ago.
"It sounds like a typical false'le flag operation to me," said Rachel, who has a goy conspiracy theorist for a boyfriend. "Mossad, the CIA and the British MI ZEX working with a core group of meshuggenah ideologues within India's military, intelligence and political elite who were planning a coup, and who want to see India emerge as a groys-power closely allied with our Jewmerice."
"Feh!", shouted Auntie Shelomi, "If the Mossad was involved and the plan was to frame the Muslims, wouldn't they have had the brains to remind the killers to remove from their right wrists the red strings that signify devotion to Hinduism?
But why were the police told to 'stand down' and not fire back at the killers, and why was Hemant Karkare, the anti-terrorism chief of Mumbai police, the first target of the mysterious terrorists?
Auntie will tell you, but keep it to yourself and don't tell anyone... Kerkare had been uncovering the nexus between the Indian military and the sudden rise of well-armed and well-financed Hindu terrorism groups with their wide network of militant training camps across India. And he'd arrested a few very important people.
As usual, Uncle Shlommi was able to help us to make sense of the puzzle. He served in the elite forces when our Golda was PM, and can still remember how to tap out Hava Nagila in Morse Code from those days.
"Girls, there's no need to plotz" he said, standing up and lifting the menorah high in the air. "Always remember that we work together with the intelligence agencies of our allies. To understand the Mumbai attack, you have to figure out who is going to benefit from it, and I promise you, it's not going to be these schmendriks in Pakistan.
"Do you remember what our David Ben-Gurion had to say about that anti-semitic sewer of a country, if ever there was one?
"The world Zionist movement should not be neglectful of the dangers of Pakistan to it. And Pakistan now should be its first target, for this ideological State is a threat to our existence. And Pakistan, the whole of it, hates the Jews and loves the Arabs.
"This lover of the Arabs is more dangerous to us than the Arabs themselves. For that matter, it is most essential for the world Zionism that it should now take immediate steps against Pakistan.
"Whereas the inhabitants of the Indian peninsula are Hindus whose hearts have been full of hatred towards Muslims, therefore, India is the most important base for us to work from there against Pakistan."
"Oy vey", said old Mrs Mendelsohn, swaying a bit as she pulled up her sleeve to display the number tattooed on her wrist, something she does every Shabbos, "Can you imagine another Shoah, only this time with Pakis instead of Germans?!
"Got in himmel. The first thing they would smash on Kristallnacht would be the kosher wine."
United against the goyim!
angst - cold sweat, anxiety
feh! - An expression of disgust or disapproval, representative of the sound of spitting.
fercockt - all fucked up
gelt – money
groys - big, large
Got in himmel - God in heaven
"Hava Nagila" is a hebrew folk song, the title meaning "Let us rejoice".
meshuggenah - a crazy person, someone who is nuts.
plotz - Or plats. Literally, to explode, as in aggravation.
Shabbos or Shabbat - Sabbath. Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.
shmendrik - a pathetic loser, hapless soul, an inept nincompoop.
shmoiger - A shmuck, but really stupid.